I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
