I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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