Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
