I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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