i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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