she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
