i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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