I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
