we made out on top of his cat.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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