I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
