they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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