So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
