God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
