I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
