i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
