it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
