After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
