Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My vagina is officially offended.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
