i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
