I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
