Barsexuality is the new black.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
