the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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