is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
