my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
