My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
