he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
