I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
