somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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