I can't breathe out the right side of my face
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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