Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
