Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
