Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
