my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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