gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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