This girl is more easily done than said...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
