oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
