you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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