there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
