The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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