You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
