on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
