i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
