According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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