so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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