well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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