Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
