i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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