i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
