What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
