I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
