i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
