I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
