I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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