i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
