She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
