dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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